[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
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hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake