Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
You Might Also Like
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Sunday
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat