My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
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An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.