My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
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I have never heard an armadillo before.
#gardening
“What movie?” 🤔
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
This is no longer winter this is harassment
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]