Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
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Funny because it’s true. 🤣
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years