Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
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How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.