“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
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[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
How it started How it’s going
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup