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me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Wait a minute
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin