This is me
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I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
This headline is a thing of beauty
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.