I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
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Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.