Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
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Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!