me: my friends:
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The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
i wish i could marry a nap
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky