[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
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Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
I think I’m having a stroke
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
I pray every night that I never become religious…
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
“felt cute might delete later lolz”