Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
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I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Jurassic park gets weird
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band