rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
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When you’re here for the treats.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.