DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
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HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Bootstraps
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven