HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
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I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.