HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
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There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.