NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
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Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.