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Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.