My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
You Might Also Like
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Mornin. * use accordingly
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator