Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
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[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas