The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
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To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
😂😂😂
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating