Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
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I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Rambo Rambow
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
How much for the goth pool noodles?
How actors in movies eat their food
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.