I’m not stressed
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Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Morning.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*