Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
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‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
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Me:
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
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my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
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me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
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Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
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