What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
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I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me