My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
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[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
canadian assassins are called killergrams
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that