WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
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I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster