Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
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Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
one last job
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”