It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
You Might Also Like
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.