[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
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Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.