[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
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WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Sending in my taxes
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
welp
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND