supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
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[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital