Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
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What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Only short people can save us
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
What number SPF blocks people?
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
every college guy’s fridge
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.