Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
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[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Just got to our Airbnb!
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.