Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
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[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.