When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
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imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Remember folks 😂
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK