Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
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I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Shoo shoo! 😂
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong