ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
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This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
My what?
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Me checking my bank balance online.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Cake!!
#ProTip
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg