Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
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The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.