2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
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If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
happy mother’s day❤️
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.