Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
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My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Which wines pair best with gloating?
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.