[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
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Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
remember
only for emergencies
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
my dog when i have a friend over
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?