Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
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Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
😂🤣😂🤣
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”