They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
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the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant