I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
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[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.