Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
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*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.