[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
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“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
no!! no!!!!!!
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary