Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
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Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
rise and shine we got egg
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*